This Can't Keep Happening

A story about stamps, and unexpected joys becoming.. expected?

Hello friends,

On the 1st January 2021, first class stamps increased in price from 76p to 85p, the largest increase in history (at the time). As it was Covid and lockdown I was doing a lot of posting, and absolutely nothing else hanging on every word of Martin Lewis’ weekly Money Saving Expert emails, one of which informed me that any stamps bought before the increase would still be valid so if you were going to be posting a lot it might be worth stocking up. The options on the website were a booklet of 6 stamps, a sheet of 100 stamps, or a roll of 10,000 stamps. I had just got an unexpected Self-Employed Support Grant (also thanks to Martin Lewis) and the mathematician in me reasoned that a) if I bought 10,000 stamps they would go up in value by £900 overnight and b) If I carried on at my current rate of sending out 10 books a week (needing two stamps per book), this would add up to 1000 stamps a year and in ten years I would have made my way through said roll. The poet in me reasoned that a) it would be a good story and b) that was enough.

Since that fateful decision was made here are a few things that have happened:

• The bank immediately blocked my payment because nobody in their right mind would spend £7600 on stamps, so I instead managed to stock up on 2,000 stamps via buying 20 individual booklets of 100 in various trips to my local post office before the deadline.

• A few months, later Royal mail contact me saying I could in fact still purchase the roll of 10,000 stamps at 2020 prices, AKA I couldn’t not do it, meaning my personal stash goes up to 12,000.

• Shortly afterwards, barcoded stamps are introduced and all existing stamps have to be sent back to be replaced by Royal Mail, up to a maximum value of £2500 in one go - cue an elaborate rolling pin and sellotape system of counting them out individually (see video below) so I can send them back in four batches.

• The queen dies and THANK GOD Charles says stamps with her face on are still valid to preserve my sanity her memory.

• The price of a first class stamp continues to rise every six months for the last five years up to it’s current value of £1.70, meaning my investment is basically Bitcoin, except the only way to cash it in is to continue to stamp by hand every single order that comes through my website, despite everyone else I know getting fancy label machines.

• Orders slow down to a rate that means it will take 40 years to get through all of my stamps, but at least by the time I get to the last one it will be worth a million pounds?

And then:

• In November 2023, I share a video of me reading a poem by Donna Ashworth called ‘Joy Chose You’ - to date it has 11 million views and despite it being someone else’s poem I get so many orders for my book that I have to take international orders off my website because I am making so many enemies in the post office in the run up to Christmas due to how long everyone has to queue behind me.

• In May 2024, my new book Wonderful comes out. Poems such as Wonderful, Trying, Sunflowers (and one about Interrailing?) go viral, and every time they do I get a few hundred orders through my website that are dutifully sent out by myself and my increasingly pregnant wife bouncing up and down on an exercise ball. We’re getting through 1000s of stamps but it feels like it’s barely making a dent. We also soon won’t have the storage room or time to keep this up as the spare room has become a nursery and our spare time has become non-existent.

• In October 2025, me and my friend Katie release a gorgeous print for my poem Dust - the accompanying video goes viral (again!) and we get over 1500 orders. Each poster technically counts as a small parcel, meaning it requires 3 first class stamps, and somehow my remaining stash of 2,000 stamps is not enough. I have somehow got through all 12,000 in less than five years and I have never felt more vindicated in my life.

• The reality of still having to send out that many orders kicks in. We split them between our houses and spend multiple evenings packaging them up (see images below). I buy a fancy label machine. I make new enemies in every post office in a 5 mile radius. It’s ridiculous and hilarious and unsustainable, but it’s almost definitely a one-off, I say to my wife (who reminds me that is what I said all of the previous times something like this has happened).

• A man called Dave in Newcastle, AKA a literal angel of the north gets in touch and says that that if I ever stopped enjoying the intimate nature of doing everything myself, he runs a business specifically designed to shop orders out for small businesses, and not only that he can do international orders too, which means I can now do international orders too. I gratefully and humbly accept his offer.

In case you ever wondered what a thousand poster tubes looks like

Gig News

Following my most recent viral ‘one-off’ (!) my Christmas shows have pretty much all sold out (!!), except for Glasgow and Bath. If you missed out then lots of 2026 tour shows are now on sale on my website, and you can get in there nice and early. I’m doing a proper photoshoot for it next week, but in the meantime see the lovely graphic below for the early ones, all of which are available via this link (London launch not on sale yet but tour shows in June and July are here.)

Podcast News

Season 4 of Something Borrowed is officially finished with the latest Lemn Sissay Episode being released this week - Just in time for the new season to kick off with Caitlin O’Ryan last month and Rachel Long next week, as well as Georgie Jones in Feb. These will be the last ones for a while as my book is then coming out in March, so I would love to see you there. I have also been on the other side of the mic with a career bucket list appearance on Distraction Pieces with Scroobius Pip! (Next stop Off Menu, then Taskmaster?)

Book News

Last night I read through the absolute-final-no-backsies version of my book and had a last-minute existential crisis about the merits of spelling it T-rex vs T. rex am in awe that it has actually come to be. I am so proud of this collection and so excited to share it with the world. I am still continuing my year-long campaign to become a Sunday Times Bestseller by begging people to pre-order it (thank you if you have, here is a link if you haven’t), and will be banging on about it in the months to come, but for now here is a poem from it about fireworks that I was reminded of last night when I invited a load of babies to a fireworks party and it went exactly as you might expect.

Other News

I’m really, really enjoying my life. Doing ridiculous things like buying 10,000 stamps or filling my house with poster tubes or traumatising a group of one-year-olds with massive explosions feel like vintage HB shenanigans that I haven’t quite had the headspace to think about for a while, and long may it continue. I also thought it would be more fun to spend most of the newsletter telling you about the stamps rather than going into any of my actual news in detail, or mentioning Fun And Important Things like the fact we’ve got a Sunflowers print coming out next week, or that I’m recording Audiobooks for all three of my existing books the week after. I hope you agree, and I hope this month brings you all the fun of fireworks and all the satisfaction of stamps.

Look after yourselves and stay brilliant x